Who’s in Charge?
Oh dear! The weight so many parents of young children carry - and I’m not talking of being fat!
Unfortunately, the kind of weight I am talking of is a self-inflicted burden. No-one forced it on the parents. They have simply chosen to shoulder that burden themselves.
I think that its weight would sometimes be unbearable.
When you try to tell them they don’t have to carry that burden, many of them look at you as if you’re from Mars. To them, they can’t see any alternative……
What precipitated my little outburst?
It was a visit to the loo (toilet / bathroom) at my local market.
When I walked into the toilets, three of the four cubicles were available, so I was a little surprised to see three people standing there looking as if they were waiting their turn. One of those people was a young boy, perhaps four years old.
I hesitated, unsure as to whether I should presume I could walk into an empty cubicle, when the mother of the boy indicated that I could go ahead of them.
Before I had closed the door, I heard the mother say to her son,
“Why don’t you go into this toilet darling?” I guess she must have been pointing to one of the two empty cubicles.
“No. I want to go into that one,” was the whining reply.
“Oh. You still want to go into that one,” responded the mother in an accepting tone.
“Yes. The one where that girl is.” There was a demanding tone to his statement.
At that point I heard someone else enter the room and say, “What’s going on?” to which the mother replied, “He wants to go into that cubicle, so we’re just waiting till the girl comes out.”
The response from the new person was to also happily accept the situation. As I went to wash my hands, I noted that the other woman was probably the child’s grandmother.
I don’t know how long it took the girl to come out of the cubicle. She was still in there when I left the room.
What I do know is that the mother and grandmother were being held hostage by the whims and demands of a four year old.
Though they were handling his demands dispassionately in the public setting, I don’t know if they have the personal wherewithal to maintain such tranquillity in private.
But even if they could, they were happily creating a monster. Right now some of his whims and fancies may even seem ‘cute’, with no particular harm done by pandering to them.
However, in the process, they are training the young boy in selfishness and thoughtlessness. He is learning that his wish is the mother’s command. If she needs a little encouragement to fulfil his desire, then whining and raising his voice a little will do the job.
Some of you may think I am being a bit harsh. After all, I was only witness to one incident with these people.
You are welcome to your opinion, but I know that a parent who is in control simply doesn’t behave like that. A parent who is in control will instruct the child and the child will obey the parent. Such parents would never wait an extra 5+ minutes just because their child’s whim is to use a particular cubicle. In the case I witnessed, the parent and the grandparent were obeying the child.
Actually, my heart ached for them all. By indulging the boy, the seeds of selfishness and thoughtlessness are being cultivated and watered. Unless something dramatically changes, that will only bring a bad crop and they will experience a lot of tension, anger and frustration over the coming years. I can’t imagine that that is what they want for their family.
A few weeks after that incident, I was at a prayer meeting at church. We were praying for a Mum and her four children when the Lord gave me the word, ‘Indulgence’. I didn’t know this family at all, so wasn’t moved by anything I knew of them.
The sense I had was that the mother particularly indulges her third daughter and this was creating tensions and challenges that God wanted the family to be free of.
After the prayer finished, I quietly spoke with the Mum who readily agreed that she indulged her third daughter.
The Short-Term Perspective
In the short-term, it can feel harder to obey God in our parenting than to give in to the child’s demands. Indulging our children can even get the short-term results we are looking for. By giving in to the demands, we buy ourselves some quiet for a while and halt the immediate conflict.
However, if we only ever live with a short-term perspective, we will constantly be confronted with spot fires that have to be put out as our children clamour to have their whims satisfied. As the children grow older, we may find ourselves confronted with a blazing inferno that we cannot quench. Many parents have experienced this tragedy.
I don’t know if you have noticed, but children who are indulged are never satisfied, but children who have learned to accept the word ‘no’ are more content.
Funny isn’t it. You’d think that if you gave a child what they wanted that they’d be satisfied. But the opposite happens. By indulging your child, you are rewarding their selfishness. You are saying, ‘If you whine and demand enough you will get what you want.’
And, for three minutes, or even three days, ‘peace’ appears to be restored. But in reality, it is only a ‘truce’ that will broken the next time your child wants his way.
The Long-Term Perspective
As parents, we need to live in the fear of God, with a long-term perspective of the consequences of our actions. If we go God’s way, the road to real peace is longer. We are going to be confronting the child’s will head-on. But if we take up the challenge in the fear of God to honour Him in our parenting, the peace that ultimately comes will be real and lasting.
I can’t emphasise enough how much the effort is worth it.
A neighbour of mine told me that when we first moved into our previous home with five boys under ten, her heart sank. She was convinced there would be endless arguments and noise and that the peace of that little pocket of suburbia would be a thing of the past.
“But I never hear them!” she said, sounding somewhat incredulous. “Except for the piano, and I don’t mind that.”
Our boys never did argue. Some minor tensions arose from time to time, but we dealt with them as they came up. As adults, married with children, they still enjoy getting together for games nights and celebrations. They get on well despite their diversity.
We have had the privilege of enjoying the peaceful home that God promises if we discipline our children properly (Proverbs 29:17). I have to add that we did not do it perfectly, and I see the evidence of that in our sons from time to time. We have simply been imperfect parents with a heart to always discipline in the fear of God. I think that God will reward obedience even when we don’t do it perfectly.
If you recognise that you tend to indulge your child, let me encourage you to call on God for the will and the wisdom to change. In so doing, you will not only impact the atmosphere of your own home, but will better prepare your children to become responsible parents willing to train their own children in the fear of God.